Dearest family and friends of Nasalian blog, how are you guys doing?
Hope your week has been as beautiful as mine (chuckles).
The matter of keeping in touch has bothered me for a long time and I can’t help but feel lighter as I unburden my heart.
There is barely any of us who haven’t lost touch with one or more of our good old friends. Life happens to the best of us; good friendships turn sour, some end abruptly, others just die off and get buried in time.
There are still other friendships that we kill unknowingly by our ‘good’ excuses like:
“I got married”
“I got a new job”
“I moved to a new city”
“I have a new baby that gets all my attention”
“I have been busy…” yada yada.
The list is just endless and yours faithfully is guilty as charged.
There are people who you lost touch with not because you don’t have their phone number or can’t visit them, but you just don’t talk like you used to anymore, majorly because you don’t have much to talk about and besides; everybody is busy with life.
So you moved from hearty conversations to monosyllabic answers and finally only birthday greetings that are as short as “HBD” on facebook.
You still love these people and somehow care about them, but you just don’t connect with each other like before. The conversation is dry and doesn’t really flow, I have been there (I think I still am in a lot of ways).
You get what I mean, right?
It can really be hard to stay in touch. Many times we grow apart- our mindsets change, our way of life changes, we meet new people and a whole lot of modifications take place.
So how do we adapt to these changes without losing the ones we love and those who have always been there for us in the past?
First of all, I would love to debunk a myth that we have turned into a reality: The practice that if someone gets married he/she stops talking with old friends;
Sometimes it’s so bad that they can’t even say hi to a once-upon-a-time friend. It’s not so cool, you know.
Truth is; it takes a lot of maturity to carry as many friends as possible along after marriage. It’s really not easy.
I like to think that most of your friends after marriage should become mutual friends with your spouse. I like that atmosphere, the understanding and the community it brings. But not everybody does.
On the flip side, it’s also good to be understanding when your friends change status say marriage, a new job, a new baby etc. They may really be busy and not intentionally ignoring you. So it’s no crime if you reach out and call their attention to it. Sometimes they are unaware that you are feeling neglected.
It’s so childish to say “onye kele sunny, sunny ekele ya” “If you greet sunny, sunny will greet you back”. I think it is Christ-like to greet ‘sunny’ even if he doesn’t greet you back.
You get it, right?
Secondly, be intentional about staying in touch; decide to be the one to make it happen. Don’t just wish to check up on old friends, do it. It’s good to know how they are doing, what is happening in their lives and share yours too. Be intentional!
The person you are waiting to call you is also waiting for you to call him and if you both keep waiting for each other, nobody will call any one and the more the gap keeps widening, the more you lose touch.
Thank God for social media platforms, we can always buzz each other and reconnect.
Thirdly, I can’t deny the fact that there are seasonal friendships; some friendships are just meant to come to an end at some point. But let it not be you that strangled the life out of it. Let everyone God brings your way be glad they met you even if it was for a short time.
Finally, let’s get practical; this weekend, take some time off and gently scroll through your contacts and dial those numbers that have never made it to your call log. I know they haven’t called in ages, but so haven’t you and so you will do.
Let’s not wait till it’s their birthday or wedding to lazily type “HBD dear” or “HML” on fb. Also take some time to send them love notes or texts, let them know you still think and care about them.
Right now, my heart goes out to all my primary and secondary school friends and even my friends from uni…I love you all!
…Can we please have those good old days back?
PS: don’t you guys think this is a good time for me to connect with my ghost readers? Hide no more cos I can’t wait to meet you. Let’s connect…
This is a really an important issue you addressed. Thanks. More ink to your pen
I had a situation recently where a previously close friend was coming to town for a visit. She contacted a few of our mutual friends beforehand to arrange to meet up, but I wasn’t one of those contacted. I even ended up covering a shift for one of those invited so that she could make it to the meet-up. Afterwards I contacted her and said that I heard she had been in town (didn’t say anything about why wasn’t I invited). She eventually replied with a very generic message that left me feeling that our history had been rewritten as “we once vaguely knew each other”.
My point is that you can’t force a friendship, if you have to force it then it’s just an illusion. In the past I’ve often found myself being the sole person sustaining a particular friendship, but I’ve learnt to have a bit more self-respect. A friendship is like a game of tennis, both people need to bat the ball back otherwise it doesn’t work. If the other person won’t play ball then it’s best to just call it a day.
I can totally relate to your experience.
I am trying to imagine how you felt running a shift for the friend who went for the hook-up; that’s really sad o.
I am glad you went ahead to contact her, so cool of you
Just like I said, some friendships are seasonal, let them be. Once we make the necessary effort we can’t force it.
But I have a question: what about those who are seeking for a friend that will still stick it out with them no matter how they behave?
How can we handle it?
Yeah totally. I think for two people who want to make that work it’s easier to keep in touch now than ever before. We have Skype and Facetime. We have apps like WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger that let you make free phone calls to anyone in the world. The technical barriers are all but gone these days, so it all comes down to how willing we are to make time and emotional space for that relationship to continue.
Thanks so much for your blog!
“…how willing we are…”
Thanks a lot for sharing