Hello beautiful Ladies, How’s March coming through? Hope you are enjoying the weekend and the weather, I am too. Since today is Saturday, I am guessing you went for a friend’s wedding; so it’s a good time to look into this matter of marriage proposals.
And guess what? I smell a proposal cooking around someone reading this (hahaha).
I know that as ladies we get tons of proposals on our desk just like a multinational company that advertised for job vacancies. They come in different shades of diction and vocabulary e.g. “Hi, can we be friends?” Or “Emmmm… I love you, do you feel the same way about me?” Or “I want to be in a serious relationship with you” or better still, the big question: “Will you marry me, I can’t imagine life without you, I want you to be the mother of my children?” and bla bla bla, you know all those plenty grammar they speak.
Before I go into how we handle these requests let me first say that there is no dignity in assumptions. If a guy is being nice and brotherly yet has not said anything, please don’t read any meaning into his actions, he is only being nice and choosing to treat you as a sister. If he says nothing, he has said nothing so don’t get ideas into your head yet.
Sometimes God brings people into our lives for an entirely different mission and we begin to throw green, white, blue and even yellow lights and at the end we ruin what could have been a beautiful godly friendship and nothing more.
Not every brother God brings into your life is a potential husband material; please get that into your head, write it down if need be. I have some wonderful male friends that have been very instrumental to my growth and it has stayed that way.
Now, to the main thing:
I get lots of questions about how to respond to a proposal like: “I really like this guy and he has shown interest in pursuing a life-long friendship with me, how do I say ‘Yes’ without sounding so cheap or throwing myself on him?” Or it’s the exact opposite: “This guy has been on my case for a long time but I don’t see any future with him, how do I say ‘No’ without hurting him, he is pestering me and I am tempted to be rude?”
Before I answer any of them, let me share this short story:
There is this lady I know of, she had a friend that she took as a brother. All of a sudden, the guy proposed to her and she couldn’t believe it because she least expected it; she had friend-zoned him. She told him a very big ‘No’, when he pressed on, she got mad at him; warned him never to call her again, deleted his number and blocked him on all social media. The guy got so dejected and heart-broken that he wrote his resignation letter from his job, fell ill and thought his world had come to an end.
He loved the girl very much and couldn’t take no for an answer. He vowed never to make any advance to any lady again (yea, some guys are soft like that). It took about four years for him to get back on his feet and move on with life, the lady didn’t know the extent of the damage her ‘No’ caused until the guy’s friend told her about it. Though she regretted her actions, it was too late; their once beautiful friendship turned sour and they never had the chance to make things right or even become mere friends again.
Like I explained before, not all ordinary friendships would lead to marriage and also we don’t have to lose our good male friends simply because they proposed marriage. We can say ‘No’ and still remain good friends without hurting anyone.
Now, to answer the question:
Dear young lady, saying ‘No’ is not as important as how you say it. The truth is that when you say no, a guy begins to think that there is something wrong with him, it exposes his insecurities and makes him feel less than what he really is. He begins to think he is not good enough, not rich enough or handsome enough. Well, though I’m sure this is not what your intention is, but that’s the message it passes. The guy is seeing possibilities and you are indirectly saying he is not worth a lifetime with you. This is why you must present your ‘No’ in the best of ways, make your reasons clear and choose your words carefully. It’s not Christ-like to reduce a guy to a loaf of bread just because you don’t want to marry him. It doesn’t show you are walking in love (remember, this is our goal in all our relationships).
If you must know, it actually takes guys a lot of nerves to make any proposal. It takes a lot of preparations, investigations, rehearsing in front of a mirror (lol) and sometimes praying and fasting. You must not kill their spirit.
Secondly, if your answer is ‘Yes’, there is a way to go about it. While many people like the lights in an exotic hotel and the guy on his knees with a diamond ring, this is good. But what if your love doesn’t come that way? Are you going to throw away a beautiful relationship because the dude found other ways of expressing his love that is different from your Nollywood methods? Saying a ‘Yes’ when you know the answer is yes doesn’t mean you are cheap. It means you are purposeful, focused and you know what you want. There is no need to start playing games, forming James Bond when you are actually dying for the nigga, it’s not necessary. In fact, it’s called lying.
Finally, what if you are not yet sure of which answer to give? Well, it’s normal. Don’t rush into giving a rash answer, you can ask for more time, let him know you want to count the cost before putting your hands into the plough.
I hear of ladies that collect rings from different guys and stack them in their jewellery box, hmmm… that’s not fair. If a guy is waiting for your answer, it’s not a time to collect ring from someone else and keep the poor dude waiting all his life and the next thing he sees is your wedding invitation card, it’s simple courtesy to let him know you are not up for the taking anymore and let him move on. I don’t believe in sampling relationships up and down claiming you are not putting all your eggs in one basket, human hearts are not eggs- never forget that.
So when next you are posed with a question whether it is to pursue a purposeful relationship that will usher in courtship or you have gotten to the stage where he hit the nail on the head, I am sure you already know what to say and how to say it. Go ahead and don’t play games.
The Lord be with you.
God loves you fiercely.
Nice write-up nasa dear
But what about guys who won’t take No for an answer and keep pushing, what options does one have if you do not want to ruin the friendship
Hello Ada, it’s a tough one and I want you to know that you are not alone in this. I have met people who think that when a lady says no, she actually means yes and wants the guy to push further. Well, I feel it’s a societal belief and I don’t agree with it. Also I think it’s because many ladies say no but their actions say otherwise, so people unconsciously think everyone is the same.
But if your actions match your words and the guy is still persevering hoping you will change your mind one day, here is what I suggest you do: engage him in a dialogue preferably face to face and state categorically that you are not one of the ladies whose No actually means Yes, let him know that you care about him moving on with his life so that he doesn’t waste his time on a journey of no destination and that it is best for you two to remain as friends and nothing more. If your friendship means anything to him and if he values his heart, he will understand and comply. It’s not a do or die affair
The truth is that many mature and serious guys value such openness and sincerity rather than playing games. I have seen cases where the two became better friends after such frank conversations, but it did not happen overnight. You have to be firm in your decision.
I hope this helps, I would also like to get a feedback of the outcome or if you need more help.
That’s very insightful Nasa.
Great one. On the masculine side I’d like ladies to respond in the affirmative or otherwise with a sense of ‘seeing self as privileged ‘ that someone could have noticed a good virtue in her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Men should also treat such ladies with a high sense of worth for ‘ entrusting their future into their hands’ in a sense. When saying no, it should be very courteous with a sense of gratitude. I’m not placing ladies as without worth. What I mean is that many other ladies abound wishing that someone would propose to them. In that regard, sisters should appreciate God that someone appreciates them. That’s my take
Hmmm..saying ‘No’ with a sense of gratitude. Nice one! Your point was well laid out and I understood you. Thanks a lot